Mommy's guilt...Infact Working Mom's guilt

Mommy’s guilt….Strange term with strong meaning in depth. Did see it on Keerthi &Sree’s blogs….gave a casual thought about it…but really not into writing one. I must agree the actual reason, its not that I never had guilt, but didn’t want to recollect to make me feel worse. But that’s all before my chat with Sree…she did assure me that it makes us more relaxed, cautious and relieved. She suggested me that a lot of moms out in the contest - Fight the mommy's guilt would identify with me....Yes, that’s a right point. May be if I write down, I might realize that all the guilt I was carrying till now was not as worse as I was imagining and its there with every momm but in the variant magnitudes.

Speaking frankly, I had it more with Sanju rather with Roshu. And yess…I realized what went wrong with and making myself cautious not to be caught with guilt again.

Here it goes:

There the bundle of joy next to me, just what her dad wanted, very much like how I wanted. I thought….this is it. My life is with this tiny soul. But things did not go that way.

She was about to complete 2 months and then I had to go back and join work. It was painful and I was resistant within. But I heard relatives talking about how my mom needs to take care of her while I’m away, how I have to manage work hours (I used to work in night shifts). No one was expecting that I shall quit and I thought may be I’m wrong, may be I don’t need to quit, may be it was manageable, may be this is LIFE. But yes, I changed job to work in day shifts. I did it against all odds, I was cautioned by family not to change because of the transport provided by former company, but I wanted to be with baby during nights. I joined at a higher designation with a higher package. Package inclusive of higher tensions and when Sanju was less than 2months, I had to be away from her for more than 12hrs. That’s when guilt hit me at its highest enormity. I was helpless. I was shameful. She had good digestion, apetite…I was lactating enough, for that matter more than enough. But can’t nurse. While I was oozing in office, she was kept on outside milk at home. It’s my fault…it’s my fault to change the job, I acted selfish to shape up the career neglecting the kid..that’s how my state of mind was. And I cannot step back at that moment…..

I still remember how Sanju used to wave her hands & make jumping moments at the sight of me. I realize now that she wanted more from me.

Higher expectations from both office and home and I was sandwiched in between. But I was managing it well, trying to give in as much quality time as I could. But…

On a social occasion, when we both took Sanju out, Sanju was not going to anyone. She just wanted to be with me and my friend passed a casual comment….Sanju, why aren’t you coming? Oh, maybe this is one of those rare times you got to be with your mom, that’s why you don’t want to come?. Yes….they are the same words and it’s been more than 3yrs, and I still remember them word to word. I can’t name it guilt, but it was hurting. How can I tell her that she misunderstood…or for that matter how will I know if she misunderstood or I? May be she is right, sanju is wanting more from me.

I thought I was managing but in the run for career or money whatever you call, I neglected it. I thought I can always get it back, but no. What you lost is totally lost. May be I was too amateur to handle work & kid not that I was too young to have them both….but had little wisdom to handle things better

Speaking frankly, its mom who did everything to Sanju. Feeding, cleaning, bathing and even playing. I missed those crucial and priceless moments. When sanju started speaking, mom used to tell me whatever sanju did or said as I return from work and I was happy about her development. But knowing our VERY OWN kid’s developments not by ourselves is enough to cause guilt. I could have quit being able to frame her babyhood carefully, but I didn’t do that. I had to….Yes I HAD TO work and I did to satisfy my inner self, to protect my independence and for the kiddos bright future.

When Sanju comes running to me after office, I am happy. But at the same time I’m guilty. She is missing me…how can I avoid that? How can I keep her happy just like that every minute?

When I see moms taking kids to parks, to home towns for holidays……I get that guilt factor back.

When I see moms preparing interesting healthy foods and feeding the kids……I get it.

When she was sick for 2 consecutive days and before she could recover totally, I had to rush back to work….i got it

When I had to make her sleep with mom, because I was not well or I had to go early to office, I get it.

When she behaves as if she doesn’t need me with changing priorities, I get it

When Sanju’s class teacher recognizes my mom, but gives a stare to me as a stranger….i get it.

When the school watchman suspect fully followed me till the main gate when I picked up Sanju from school because he never seen me taking Sanju in this first one month time…I got it. How can I ever be harmful to Sanju??, though I appreciate their concern.

When Sanju behaves as if she has no expectations from me….for bathing or for feeding….i get it..though I realized it soon and started taking control slowly.

I think I get it many more times than what I mentioned above….but one thing that assures me is that she is MINE. Though I’m not able to do her things on my own, I’m still able to spend some quality time to have fun with her. The spark in her eyes at the sight of me, reassures me that she is mine forever……and yes, how can I forget thanking my dear hubby & mom who have always ensured that I’m at comfort, not pressurized and let me had that quality time which helped me develope that bonding with Sanju? It’s all their credit, not mine....I'm thankful to them beyond words. I might not be a responsible & dutiful mom today....but sure is a mom to have fun with :) A reward that beats guilt!